Restart

I have to get used to this journal writing thing. I was never one for keeping a diary or journal, writing down reactions, giving opinions. The toughest part of writing book reviews in grade school was always the last part – ‘give your opinion of the book.’ I always hid behind the smart guys in college seminars so they could do the talking. So this is a bit of a strain for me, but with a little practice, I could get used to it.

So what am I doing here? Good question. In fact I almost gave up writing this blog, but with a little encouragement, and some spell check advice, I decided to restart my efforts. (My secret life isn’t a total secret after all.) But back to the question.

I’ve come across several blogs written by other married men. Many describe a dismal home life – no sex for months or even years, wives who have lost all interest in their partners, defeated deflated egos. I can see why they want to get things off their chest or to justify infidelities. I don’t have that excuse. My married sex life is pretty stable with, according to all those surveys, above average frequency. I more than fulfill my responsibilities at home (one reason I don't post much) and I am a stabilizing influence on an otherwise chaotic family situation.
 
So that's no answer.

I saw a TV documentary on sex addiction. While I don’t seriously believe I’m sex addicted, there were some things I could relate to. A guy who was a minister/counselor described the physical feeling in anticipation of feeding his needs – the hyperventilating, body shaking, sweaty palms – which were eerily similar to my feelings as I turn the corner and walk the 30 yards to the strip club doorway. Even just planning the trip hours before I would shake with nervous energy. He had started by masturbating to porn when his wife was asleep, then began to frequent massage parlors and finally seducing his clients before one of them complained. I’m almost at the spa stage, but at the rate I can step out, I’m in no danger of escalating up to seducing my ‘clients.’

A psychologist on the same program, in discussing causes of sex addiction, said that one reason could be getting married at a young age and missing out on experiencing many partners. That rang true. It’s something I’ve believed all along when I try to justify my behavior.
 
Or maybe the answer is that I'm just a normal heterosexual male with ample testosterone and a little head that sometimes calls the shots (so to speak).